The Five As of Love

As we approach Valentine’s Day, a holiday centered on love, we may be reflecting on the loved ones in our lives, perhaps even focusing on self-love. You may be nailing down people’s love languages, finding just the right gesture to make them feel important and valued. While reading David Richo’s book “Triggers: How We Can Stop Reacting and Start Healing,” I came across what Richo calls “the five As,” which he describes as necessary for a safe environment that fosters secure attachment (Richo). While originally conceptualized as a way to ensure you create circumstances that help your child develop a healthy attachment style, they are also a valuable way to review our relationships and come up with ways to ensure we are loving those around us with respect and security. These five As can be applied to any type of relationship: our relationship to ourselves, friends, siblings, parents, significant others, neighbors, or even strangers. Now is as important a time as any to exercise love, not only to those in our circles, but to those all around us. This piece may give you some helpful starting points to do just that.

The five As of love are: acceptance, affection, allowing, appreciation, and attention.

Acceptance

Are you allowing those around us to be themselves? Are you taking it a step further and actively embracing every aspect of them with respect? Do we offer our loved ones the grace and acceptance to mess up and still be loved? Can we take the good with the bad and still love fully? Acceptance requires a complete welcoming of who someone is; every aspect of them must be accepted and acknowledged as a valuable quality that contributes to their whole being. Acceptance creates an environment of safety where each person feels worthy and valuable, despite their shortcomings. When we feel accepted and accept others in return, we expand our circle of love, invite more people into our orbit, and embrace the diversity and uniqueness of each person. At a time when the world feels vastly divided and dark, taking the time to embrace the individuality of our loved ones can make all the difference in how comfortable they feel being themselves. Here are some ways we can increase our acceptance of those around us. Remain curious about their interests and their pursuits. Let them know all their feelings are okay, not being selective about which emotions you will sit with. Make sure that those around you do not exhaust themselves trying to fit in, instead find a way to make a space for them just as they are.

Affection

Are you actively expressing love to those around you? Are you aware of the ways they feel most loved and cared for to make your love more meaningful and personal? Are you consistent in your expression of affection?Affection involves intentionally expressing admiration, adoration, and love through acts of kindness with an attitude of thoughtfulness. Affection can create a warm bond between two people, setting a valuable foundation to weather the storms of difficulty or distance. When we create a habit of affection in our relationships, we strengthen the shared bond and increase the emotional stamina of both parties involved. Here are some ways to practice showing affection for our loved ones. Create a habit of respectful, appropriate physical closeness. Compliment a quality of theirs that may often go unnoticed. Take note of people’s favorite treats or snacks and buy them in your next grocery run.

Allowing

Are we trying to control those in our lives? Are we embracing others’ autonomy to live the life how they’d like? Are we waiting for the opportunity to exert control over them, or influence them to change? When we embrace an attitude of allowing, we create a safe place where our loved ones feel comfortable to explore, learn, and grow, knowing they will be loved regardless. Exercising the allowance of those around us will help us to learn from others, be a source of support rather than a source of criticism, and learn to offer ourselves that same allowance. Here are some ways to embrace an attitude of allowance. Learn more about their values and wishes. Give others freedom to explore and learn without interference. Find ways to help contribute to and support them in their individual goals.

Appreciation

How often are you expressing gratitude to your loved ones? Are we actively acknowledging and communicating the importance of the role they play in our lives? A habit of appreciation in a relationship builds up confidence and emotional stamina. When we feel appreciated for the good that we do, we are not only more likely to continue those habits but also more likely to strive for better and aim for greatness. It is important to express appreciation often and intentionally to those around us, recognizing the good that people do helps to create an environment of tenderness and an attitude of optimism. Here are some ways to show extra appreciation for those around you. Value people not only for their accomplishments, but for who they are. Express recognition for your loved one’s individual strengths. Send a thank-you card to someone who has impacted you.

Attention

When your partner is talking to you, are you really hearing what they are saying? Are you distracted by your phone or your long to-do list looming in the corner? Are you attuned to your loved one’s needs, noticing subtle changes in their behavior to detect when extra support is needed? One of the most valuable and highly underrated components of love is attention. Oftentimes, more attention is all people need to feel important and seen. When people feel truly attended to, they feel safe and valued, which leads to a stronger relationship. Here are some ways we can improve at attending to our loved ones. Set your phone down when talking with others. Designate quality time to set aside distractions and be present with your loved one. Don’t be too quick to offer advice, instead reflect on the emotions and thoughts that are being communicated.

A constant pursuit to embody these five As is a demonstration of dedicated love. As with any pursuit, remember to offer yourself grace to be human. We cannot expect ourselves to be perfect at all of these things at all times. As you practice these things, you will see them strengthen your relationships and magnify the love in your life.

References: Richo, D. (2019). Triggers: How we can stop reacting and start healing. Shambala.