Deconstructing Shame, Embracing Grace

Shame (noun): a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute (Merriam-Webster). While this is the Merriam-Webster definition of shame, in this piece, I will address shame through the lens that Brene Brown put in place in her book Daring Greatly, centered around the idea that guilt is the feeling that accompanies the thought “I did something bad,” and shame is the feeling that accompanies the thought “I am bad” (Brown).  I want to discuss the negative impacts of shame, the things we say and do that reinforce shame, and how we can use grace to free ourselves from it.

Guilt vs. Shame Breakdown

            Differentiating between guilt and shame can be difficult. Lucky for us, David Richo wrote in depth about guilt versus shame in his book “Triggers: How to Stop Reacting and Start Healing” (Richo, 2019). Guilt is about “what we have done or left undone,” while shame is “about who we are.” They may stem from the same situation, but the emotions are vastly different and motivate us in opposing ways. Guilt turns our focus to our “transactions with others,” while shame focuses on our self-concept and image. Guilt requires awareness of our impact on others, while shame highlights “our own inadequacy.” Guilt motivates us to make amends, while shame isolates us, requiring us to hold our pain inside. Guilt allows us to forgive ourselves when we right our wrongs; shame “cannot let us forgive ourselves.” Guilt can help us show care, while shame becomes “hatred.” Guilt can be removed and alleviated by making amends and engaging in self-forgiveness, while shame “remains a wound” that keeps us from growth and healing. Guilt allows us to think “I was guilty of being mean towards others,” while shame forces us to think and believe “I am ashamed that I am the kind of person who would be mean” (Richo, 2019).

Self-Isolation & Suffering

            Believing you are bad can mean deeming yourself unworthy of help, connection, or love. On the other hand, if there are people who have made you feel ashamed or led you to believe you are bad, that signals an unsafe environment where seeking help or connection may feel difficult or wildly disappointing. In my opinion, the most powerful force in the universe is compassionate connection. Shame inhibits connection because connection inhibits shame. When we can healthily connect with others, we learn to give ourselves and others grace and patience, which actively combats shameful thoughts. Internalized and powerful shame moves in invisible ways. Often, those with internalized shame do not know the impact it has on them, and if they are aware, they may feel helpless to overcome it. Self-isolation is one of the many side effects of shame. Those struggling may believe that because they are bad, they do not deserve help or respite from their struggles. There may be a tendency to self-punish by isolation, avoidance, and distance. This is a positive feedback loop that strengthens the shame and intensifies the suffering. Those with shame about their past may reject the parts of themselves they do not deem lovable. These parts are not talked about, not learned from. Instead, that past self is rejected, shamed, shoved in a closet, and not met with compassion or grace that would allow the whole self to heal and grow. (If this particular concept interests you, I’d highly recommend learning more about internal family systems, commonly known as “parts work.”)

Apologies & Accountability

            When someone has deeply internalized shame, it can feel threatening to acknowledge they’ve made a mistake. When they mess up, they may feel unable to offer patience or grace to think, “Ah, I made a mistake, let me make amends and make it right.” Instead, shame leads us to believe we are inherently flawed at our core if we mess up. This means that people with deeply internalized shame tend to either 1) beat themselves up badly for any and all mistakes they make or 2) never acknowledge their mistakes or take accountability to keep the shame at bay, usually this is an unconscious process. The act of apologizing can feel threatening to the stability and security of someone with internalized shame. If they admit they’ve done something wrong, the shame swoops in, saying, “Well, you must be a bad person.” If you genuinely believed you were a bad person anytime you make a mistake, your brain will learn pretty quickly that avoiding accountability also means avoiding the shame that comes with it. Shame is not a safe or comfortable feeling. An inability to apologize or take accountability when you’ve done something wrong can lead to a harmful stagnation that keeps you from growth and healing. It can lead to disconnection and distance in relationships; it can lead to an inability to meet your goals or an obsession with perfection. If this sounds familiar, don’t give up hope. Grace is the compassionate combatant of shame, and I will talk more about how to cultivate that in a moment.

Never & Always

            “You always talk back to your mother,” or “you never help with the dishes,” I’m sure many of us have heard phrases like this in conflict. We may even tell ourselves these things, inadvertently shaming ourselves by saying, “Ugh, I always start yelling when I’m upset” or “I will never get better at this.” These statements share an “absoluteness,” something that shame relies on. If someone’s value or worth can be deduced to one mistake they made, it eliminates any chance of grace doing its job to help us learn and grow. When we find ourselves using these words against another person, we should pause, re-evaluate, and decide if they are truly alwaysor never acting that way. And even if they are, choose to find a more compassionate way to express your feelings that instead of shaming them into a belief that they will never be able to progress. If you find yourself using these words against yourself, pause, re-evaluate, and then choose more compassionate language to acknowledge your accountability and bring awareness to behaviors you’d like to change.

From a Focus on Being to Behaving

            When we define our whole being with our negative or unhealthy attributes, we are giving in to shame. When we focus on our behaviors instead, we allow ourselves to feel guilt and give ourselves grace. We need to remind ourselves that we are human. We can do bad without being bad. When we find ourselves taking someone’s behavior and assuming it is a permanent character flaw, we are reinforcing shame, hindering connection. When we can view a behavior as just that, behaviors, actions taken in the moment that do not define who we are, we can embrace healthy and motivating insight and accountability that fosters connection and communication, not hinders it.

Grace

            Grace: “a disposition to show kindness or compassion,” implying an “attitude and a willingness to grant favors or make concessions” (Merriam-Webster). In order to truly embrace grace in our lives, we need to be willing to be compassionate to both others and ourselves. We need to be willing to apologize and forgive. We need to take accountability without beating ourselves up. Starting a ritual of compassionate affirmations can help us to gift ourselves with grace daily. (If you need help writing affirmations, check out my previous blog post on Affirmations to get started.) When we embody an attitude of grace, it will be readily available to offer to others. You cannot give others grace while shaming yourselves and vice versa. You deserve grace; others deserve grace. The more grace is offered, the easier you can affirm your own humanity; the less power shame will have over you. The less power shame has over you, the better you can learn from mistakes and truly grow with compassion and kindness for yourself and others.

References:

Brown, B., PhD, LMSW, & White, K. (2012). Daring Greatly, Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW. Blackstone Audio. 

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.-a). Grace synonyms: 193 similar and opposite words. Merriam-Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/grace 

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Shame definition & meaning. Merriam-Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shame 

Richo, D. (2019). Triggers: How we can stop reacting and start healing. Shambala.