Harnessing the Power of Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance, while simple, is anything but easy. Some believe that if we accept something, we are okay with it, we favor it, or even prefer it. However, acceptance is neither positive nor negative; in fact, the absence of judgment is actually an essential piece to radical acceptance. “With radical acceptance, we look at our situation with a clear-eyed, nonjudgmental attitude and simply acknowledge that it is our current reality” (Find My Therapist). A nonjudgmental acknowledgment—simple right? Right! But not easy. We are taught how to label things as bad or good at a very young age, so trying to harness radical acceptance may go against your instinct at first, but the benefits of it are worth it.

Life does not ask for our permission to be what it is; we aren’t choosing the challenges that knock at our door, and we aren’t pre-screening the people that walk into our lives. Life moves on without our permission. But for a second, let’s think about what it would feel like to accept situations to just be, versus resisting what already is.

Resistance is what keeps us stuck. Imagine you are floating down a river on an inner tube. Up ahead, you see some water that looks a little rough. As you near this rough water, a tree branch hanging above the river presents itself, and in an attempt to avoid the rough water, you grab onto it. The water is still ahead; it’s not changing its form anytime soon, nor is there any way around it. So, you stay holding onto that tree branch, resisting the current from the river trying to push you. Your arms are exhausted, your hands are scraped from the tree bark, and you still need to go through the rough water to finish your ride along the river. In case you haven’t learned this life lesson yet, there is rough water ahead of you. There is rough water ahead of us all. And we can always grab onto a tree branch, attempt to resist the inevitable, and complain all about it. But the energy it takes to grasp onto the branch is more taxing than the energy it would take to navigate your way through the rough water. Instead, we should focus our energy on equipping ourselves with the necessary skills, tools, and support to handle the difficulty. Then we ride the waves, knowing that we can’t change the nature of these waves, just how we respond to them. In order to focus our energy on the controllable aspects of our lives, we first need to accept the presence of the uncontrollables. So, to continue the metaphor, before embarking on the trip, or before continuing down the river, make sure you have shoes that can get wet, a life jacket, a reliable paddle, and people nearby to make sure you make it through the waves safely.

Resisting and avoiding exhausts our mental energy to focus on what we can control and instead keeps us fixated on the uncontrollable and how upset we are by them. Your feelings of disappointment about your current state of reality are valid, especially if you are dealing with more than you feel you can handle. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up when faced with your reality, but do not allow them to keep you from progressing, to keep you from making the changes you can make.

Willing Hands

Mind-body connection is a vital aspect of wellness and can be used to teach us how to radically accept. Willing hands involve a specific hand position and a specific mindset. The mindset is one of “come what may,” or radical acceptance, and the hands are placed palms up, being willing to acknowledge whatever comes. Placing your hands palms up primes your body and mind to accept what comes. When we allow our body to be accepting with open arms and hands, our mind follows suit.

What If vs. What Is

 This exercise can be particularly helpful when your reality feels difficult to cope with, your future feels overwhelming to think about, and your past seems to drag you backward over and over again. Grab a piece of paper, split it down the middle lengthwise. Title one side “what if,” and list every resistance, avoidant, ruminating, worrying thought or feeling you are having. Then, on the other side of the paper, title this side “what is,” and address each ‘what if’ statement with a “what is” statement. For example, “What if I don’t get this job and can’t find another,” turns into “I have done what I can do to prepare for the interview.”  It may seem silly at first, but it allows us to acknowledge and feel the worry or fear, then to address each worry with an attitude of acceptance. This means that you drop the struggle of trying to change reality, and instead, you acknowledge its nature and adjust your response to best serve you.

The Grief

This aspect of radical acceptance deserves special attention. Sometimes accepting something as reality can mean setting down our hope for it to be something different. This can mean accepting that your relationship with a loved one is not what you want it to be or what it once was, despite your best efforts, or accepting a diagnosis that changes the way you function in life, or even accepting the passing on of a loved one. Our lives are full of difficult realities, and having to accept these circumstances can come with a lot of grief, sadness, disappointment, and heartbreak. Allow yourself to feel the fullness of these emotions, feel how they sit in your body, breathe them out of your system, and rely on others for support as you navigate the rough waters ahead.

Follow-Up

Alright, you’ve radically accepted your situation, what now? Next, you take a moment to see how the newly recognized and accepted facts change how you want to approach the situation. Okay, you’ve accepted that your loved one isn’t going to call you first, and you’ve felt the grief and disappointment. Now you decide whether or not you want to continue calling or accept the fact that your phone calls will decrease if you choose not to initiate contact. Neither is an easy decision, so ask yourself which one brings more peace, which choice best aligns you with the life you want? (This could continue into a piece on committed action, but I think tackling one topic at a time is best.)

Radical acceptance is easier said than done, but worth pursuing each day, every moment. It allows us to set down the struggle of bargaining with reality and face the challenge in front of us. Palms up, shoulders back, accept the situation, and ride the waves.  

References:

How to use the four options of DBT to solve a problem. Find My Therapist - Therapists Near Me Who Accept Insurance. (n.d.). https://findmytherapist.com/resources/self-care/how-to-use-the-four-options-of-dbt-to-solve-a-problem/