Taking the Road Less Traveled: A Guide for First-Generation Therapy-Goers

 Conversations surrounding mental health diagnosis seem to be abundant in many public and social spaces, including news outlets, social media, universities, and especially personal relationships. But many realize this often tends to be divided by age. In a study done by the APA, Gen Z was found to be the most likely to go to therapy, followed by millennials, Gen X’ers, baby boomers, and the silent generation. We have seen awareness of mental health increase while the stigma surrounding mental health services has decreased (Ettenson, 2024). This means many people attend therapy before their parents do. Young adolescents are sent to therapy without their parents ever receiving mental health treatment. Middle-aged adults are attending therapy to do inner child work and possibly attempting to initiate conversations with parents who don’t believe in therapy. Despite your age, if you attend therapy, there is likely someone in your life who doesn’t attend therapy who will give you a difficult time about it. One of the most common dynamics we see as therapists is clients whose parents do not attend therapy, and how difficult that is for them. This article aims to provide a roadmap for navigating the experience of being a first-generation therapy-goer.  

It’s important to acknowledge the vulnerability and strength it takes to go to therapy at all, let alone the courage it takes to be the first one in your family to do so. In the mental health field, we conceptualize families through systems and structure. If you are the first to go to therapy in a family that does not prioritize mental health, you may be the one ‘disrupting’ the system. Please note, there is nothing wrong with disruption; it just implies an interruption of the process your family is used to. This will come with friction and tension; you are shifting how you move through the world, and because you are a part of your family system, that system will naturally shift as well, although this is not often a welcome change. So, in case no one else says it, I’ll say it: You deserve to be proud of yourself for this, despite the judgment or pushback of those around you.

Let’s start with acceptance. Acceptance is not the idea that you like something or are even okay with it. Instead, acceptance is the acknowledgement of what is happening, setting aside the bargaining and negotiating side of you that can’t believe this is happening, and allowing yourself to accept “yep, this is what’s happening.” There is no easy acceptance when it comes to being the one in therapy while others are not. It’s not easy to acknowledge the fact that you are making the changes that they aren’t. But it’s all part of the journey. Bringing in the famous serenity prayer: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. You are actively evolving and growing in therapy, and that’s a beautiful thing. Now, it’s time to radically accept that they are not the ones working through their challenges; you are. That’s not an easy pill to swallow. The juxtaposition of your growth against their stagnation can feel wildly upsetting, unjust, and unfair. You must also accept that it is their responsibility to change or grow themselves, not yours to make them change. I understand the desperation that can occur in this situation, for instance, wanting to feel an emotional closeness with loved ones who aren’t available for that kind of connection. Give yourself grace and space to feel the weight of this. Radical acceptance is anything but easy; however, it’s absolutely necessary to protect your peace and continue the path of well-being.

As you continue in therapy, you may find there are probably behaviors that you are not willing to tolerate from loved ones anymore. That’s where boundary setting comes into play. Boundary setting is something that you do, which does not require a change from the other person. For example, when you set a boundary that you will not tolerate name-calling from someone, it is your responsibility to walk away when they engage in name-calling. Boundary setting does come with loss; it may mean you interact with someone less or even not at all. It also comes with a lot of peace and contentment, although it may not feel that way at first. It is okay, even necessary, to set boundaries with people who are negatively impacting your life. Boundary setting extends to the conversations you are and are not willing to engage in. You may find people in your life wanting you to talk about politics, religion, the state of the world, or even your individual life. It’s okay to draw the line about what you are not willing to talk about to protect your peace. Ensure that while setting these boundaries, you are doing so in a respectful way, so as not to damage a relationship that may already be adjusting to the new change.

It is vital that while you are making necessary changes in therapy, you find people willing and able to support you, aside from your therapist, of course. Find the friends who understand how you are feeling or who are even willing to just listen. Find the members of your family who are receptive to your change, or the “disruption” of the family system. While we can’t force anyone to go to therapy or start their own journey of emotional self-growth, there will be people who see what you are doing and follow your lead, people who will want to know more about the positive change they see in you. Welcome those people, embrace them, and know that when others are on the journey to self-growth, you can support each other in an accurate and empathetic way.

Ground yourself and stay focused on the reason you started therapy in the first place. Therapy is not usually a smooth journey, but instead one full of difficulty, challenges, and change that can be hard to adjust to. But remind yourself that you are doing this for you. We live in a world where we are praised for putting our needs on the back burner. But how are we supposed to pour from an empty cup? How are you supposed to breathe if you are making sure everyone’s oxygen masks are on while you are suffocating? The work you are doing in therapy will allow you to show up better for those in your life, and it will allow you the emotional and mental stamina to handle challenges. So, keep going because I promise you it is all worth it. You deserve to live a meaningful, rich, and full life, even when that means doing the hard work to get there.

Let’s finish out this piece with some wise words from Robert Frost: “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference” (Frost).  The pain you are experiencing is real; the road less traveled by has branches and twigs sticking out that you could get caught on. You’re paving the way for those behind you, clearing a path towards wellness that others in your life will be attracted to when seeing the peace and growth you experience. Let your individual growth be a testament that you are doing the right thing. Remember, you’re taking the road less traveled, and it will make all the difference.

Ettenson, K. (2024, February 7). The generational gap in perspectives on Mental Health. Child and Family Solutions Center.

Frost, R. (n.d.). The Road Not Taken | The Poetry Foundation. The Poetry Foundation.