“Go to the Party”: Self-Care through Connection

You’ve had a long day at work, you didn’t get enough sleep last night, and you’re on your way home. As you walk through the door, you receive a text blast that says, “So excited to see you all and celebrate my housewarming tonight! I’ve got snacks and drinks ready and I can’t wait to see all your beautiful faces!” You sigh loudly and scrub your hand over your face. There is nothing you would rather do more than stay home, order takeout, and not speak to anyone for the rest of the night. You don’t feel completely burnt out, but leaving the house again, especially in the cold, doesn’t sound like what you had planning for the evening. You think about your friend and all the ways they’ve shown up for you in the last year, weighing the guilt you would feel at bailing an hour before the event against how much you don’t want to leave your bed. You’re at a crossroads, you could either send a last-minute text telling your friend you can no longer come, or you can go to the party. Does this situation feel familiar?

In a recent Rolling Stone “Musicians on Musicians” interview with Lucy Dacus and Janelle Monae, Lucy Dacus shared a powerful concept. She stated, “I have a friend who’s studying like public health at John’s Hopkins right now, and one of the things they learned was like, ‘Go to the party. You need to go to the party for your wellness. Like not when you’re sick or like take some nights off, but like caring about other people is like, exponentially more important for your health than self-care” (Rolling Stone, 2025). This concept may seem counterintuitive to the way we have been taught to envision what self-care should look like, at least in the individualistic nature of the United States. In recent years, a dominant and profitable image of self-care involves time alone, consuming a product that is supposed to relax you (like a face mask, a bath bomb, buying something to “treat yourself,” etc.), and setting strict boundaries as to who can access your time. And while yes, doing these things can help you recharge, it is important, especially in such tumultuous sociopolitical times, to have our view of self-care not be limited to only what can be done in solitude. Self-care can also look like cleaning your room, eating a meal with a friend, sharing music with loved ones, volunteering your time for your community, or even engaging someone in a discussion where you both leave feeling a little more understood.

Recent discourse over the last few years, especially through social media, has encouraged people to consider setting boundaries, evaluating their people pleasing tendencies, and “protecting their time and peace,” which can all be helpful and healthy when done in moderation. However, as messages tend to do on social media, the initially helpful reminders have been twisted into the idea that “you don’t owe anyone anything.” In protecting our time and peace, we have become inherently more conditional as to the types of relationships or bids for connection that we will allow. In our desire to better solidify our boundaries and perform self-care, we have become much more disconnected from our community and from the people that we love. Ultimately, in community, we have a responsibility to each other. It is important to not always put yourself last, but acting that you do not owe anything to anyone is keeping us in a place where we are less community-minded, altruistic, and empathetic.

To combat the “you don’t owe anyone anything” mindset, another refrain has been re-introduced to mainstream audiences, “the price of community is inconvenience.” It is important to acknowledge that this wisdom has been circulated across collectivistic and non-white cultures across generations. Communities survive and thrive with the understanding that we are not isolated in our experiences, and that being a part of something larger cultivates meaning and deeper connection.

Think about a time where your friend has offered to drive you to the airport despite their busy schedule, about someone who will bring you meals when you are sick, someone who will sit with you when you’re grieving even if there is nothing they can say that will provide you comfort, someone who is willing to hold you accountable, someone who goes grocery shopping with you because you’re struggling to go to the store on your own, someone who sits with you while you clean your room, someone who dances with you even when they’re stressed. All these imperceptible and intimate moments that form lasting connections were born out of being willing to be present in the life of another person that cares for you, even if it meant having to stay up later, wake up earlier, or reconfigure your schedule. We cannot expect others to do things for us and be present in our lives but not be willing to inconvenience ourselves in return. In times like these, it is important that we take both our individual needs and the needs of our communities into account. Humans are social creatures, and showing up in community, even when you may not feel like it, may provide you the connection to the world that you need to find gratitude and love in the present moment.

It is becoming ever more crucial to develop an awareness of what we have the capacity to commit to and how we want to spend our time. We must begin to understand what “yes” and “no” feel like in our body when we are faced with invitations to events and weigh that against an honest assessment of what we can handle. Cultivating an understanding of balance is important as burning yourself out to attend every event is not a solution either. In the desire to take better care of ourselves as individuals, we may forget the effort someone has gone to in preparation for parties or hanging out. Additionally, by viewing ourselves as individuals rather than members of a community, we can underestimate our impact on the social ecosystem. For example, if we consistently back-out of plans with the idea that “no one will even notice that I’m gone” we are subsequently deepening our sense of isolation. Furthermore, this idea of the self as insignificant can cause a larger ripple effect than intended. Likely when we have the belief that we will be the only person not in attendance and can afford to miss something, it removes the responsibility and accountability of showing up for each other (i.e., 5 people all thinking they’re the only ones not going to a 10-person party is a substantial impact). In developing a community that we can rely on and turn to for connection, it is important to trust that our impact is felt and that our presence is noticeable. Intentionality and care for others are underpinning principles of self-care via social bonds.

It is important that we remain mindful, intentional, and curious about our decisions around self-care and how they relate to the larger patterns in our lives. Will staying home honor your need for rest due to chronic illness, mental health, or just plain exhaustion or is it a symptom of a larger concern that isolation may exacerbate? This blog post is not a call-to-action that you must suddenly go to every event you’re invited to, but rather an invitation to check in with ourselves and determine what feels manageable for us. It is crucial to learn what our limit is so we do not find ourselves crossing it and to give ourselves grace for moments when we do not have the capacity to show up in the ways that we would hope.

References:

Rolling Stone. (2025, October 20). Janelle Monáe & Lucy Dacus | Musicians on musicians [Video]. YouTube. ​​https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMY1ykh5PYs