Sorry; I’ll Stop Apologizing So Much

Over-apologizing from a psychodynamic perspective

I’d like you to run a little experiment - for the rest of your day, your week, or even your month,

I’d like you to note down however many times you say, “sorry”. For many, it’s become an

instinctual, knee-jerk defense against blame, doubt, or embarrassment - just by uttering this

magic word, and acknowledging that you’ve in some way failed or violated the social contract, and you can partially and immediately absolve yourself of blame. It’s almost like saying, “Hey guys - I know that wasn’t my best moment, but look at how self-aware I’m being about it!”. Of course, not all apologies are created equal; some might be spat venomously, dripping with sarcasm, while others might be half-hearted acquiesces, only given so that the argument can be over.

Then there’s the beast of our focus today - the so-called “anxious apology”.

Psychologist Greg Chasson Ph.D. describes the “anxious sorry” as the habit of apologizing not because you truly regret something, but because you’re trying to reduce your own anxiety (and pre-empt judgment). As a psychodynamically-oriented clinician, I like to ask myself (and my clients), “What is this behavior accomplishing for you? How is it keeping you safe?” Well, in this case, the apology itself is a safety behavior; it may bring immediate relief or diffuse social tension, but it does not resolve the underlying emotional trigger (e.g., feeling judged, vulnerable, or worse - like a failure). Like many of our fast-relief behaviors for anxieties, over time, it can become more entrenched and habitual.

Social Conditioning & Gender Norms

Over-apologizing can affect anyone, but the conditions in which we apologize and the

unconscious reasons behind the behavior are subject to the way we were socialized. For example, many girls from an early age are often taught to prioritize harmony, empathy, and likeability - to be nice, and nonconfrontational. That consistent social pressure can easily conflate assertiveness with rudeness in a person’s mind, especially if there are consequences for being “rude” (operant conditioning at it’s finest - any fellow behavior theory fans?) “Sorry”, therefore, becomes a signal - it’s saying, “I’m not trying to be confrontational, nor rude; I promise!”

In workplace settings, over-apologizing can subtly undermine one’s own authority, credibility,

and perceived competence. When women are more expected to use hedging language (“...If that makes sense,” “Sorry to bother you, but...” “I might be wrong,”), they may appear less

confident, even when they’re highly competent or know that they’re onto something. This feeds into stereotypes that women are less decisive, assertive, or business-oriented, which can influence things like performance evaluations, leadership opportunities, and salary negotiations. Ironically, women who don’t apologize or soften their language are often labeled as “cold” or “closed-off”. This creates a real double-bind: you apologize too much, and you seem weak or insecure. Don’t apologize enough, and you’re risking being perceived as unpersonable or abrasive. You can begin to see why it’s not as simple as, “just stop saying sorry so much”... but what do these apologies actually shift in our social dynamics?

The Consequences of Over-apologizing

Let’s say you’ve upset someone, slightly and unintentionally - they assure you that it’s alright,

but you’re wracked with guilt. Displaying your regret by apologizing again and again might ease your sense of guilt, but in some cases, an apology will actually make the person you’re

apologizing to feel worse; they don’t might feel the need to take time to comfort you and

downplay their own feelings. In effect, by apologizing too much, you might be indirectly asking others to reassure you. That can become exhausting for them, and encourage resentment - you might detect that resentment, assume they’re still upset at you for what you’ve done, and apologize again... See how quickly these social dynamics shift into a downward spiral?

There can also be a “boy who cried wolf” effect on your apologies; the more you say it, the less meaningful it becomes, and when you actually want to express an apology, you might find it doesn’t hit the same. Remember that experiment I called on you to undertake earlier? An interesting twist would be tracking how many of your logged apologies you actually meant in earnest, vs how many were only said to alleviate your own guilt or anxiety. Which do you think you would utilize more often over a given period of time? And once we notice how often we apologize, what are we supposed to do about it?

A Healthier Response

As with many behaviors, the first step in cutting down on one’s over-apologizing is to catch it in the moment, and understand why you felt compelled to do it. You might enlist the help of a

trusted friend or colleague to gently point out when you use an anxious sorry, and then reflect on the context of the apology - was it during a high-tension meeting? Was it directed towards a boss or person of authority? What emotions and physical sensations were you experiencing before and after the apology? This is where that tracking and logging experiment really comes into play - think of it as gathering data to interpret and derive meaning from later. You might find that most anxious apologies come in certain situations, or are directed at certain figures.

Once you’ve got that sorted, the next step is to introduce an alternative; something to take its

place, and serves a similar role, but without the unintended consequences. “Thank you” is a

tried-and-true classic: instead of “I’m so sorry I’m a few minutes late,” try, “Thank you for your

patience, everyone.” Acknowledging how another person feels without shifting the focus onto

you with an apology is another great example - most people just want to be heard out, after all. You might say, “I hear you, and I’d feel that way too, in your position. Let’s find a way to avoid this situation in the future.” When all else fails, you can simply say what you mean: “I’m

embarrassed”, or “I feel foolish”, or “I’m not totally confident right now”, are all honest and

sincere alternatives to an ambiguous, unactionable “sorry”.

Sorry To Keep You!

So - how are we feeling about that little experiment I mentioned? If you’re a chronic

over-apologizer, it might seem a bit daunting; but it might just be exactly what you need to get a better picture of the roles apologies are playing in your life. Apologizing might be great for anxiety or guilt relief, but it also may be harming your relationships or undermining how you’re perceived at work. It might be reflexive, but conceal how you truly feel. In tracking your

apologies, you might find new patterns, and learn when to slot in alternatives like “Thank you”.

By understanding the roots of that habit and practicing new responses, you may begin to feel more at liberty to speak your mind with integrity and honesty; and you may also be surprised by how people respond to that.

The next time you reflexively begin to say, “I’m sorry,” think to yourself: Do I really mean it?

And if the answer is no, think on why you felt the need to say it in the first place.