Enter: The Manosphere

It has long been an inextricable part of the masculine identity across the globe that we do not ask for help; that we are stoic, and carry heavy burdens with a quiet confidence and a stony silence. This manifests as the archetypical figures of the modern man with which we are societally familiar; the emotionally-inarticulate boyfriends, the distant fathers, and the two men who have known each other for ages, yet have never spoken to one another about anything but movies and football.

We are feeling creatures, all of us, and there is no way around that - men such as these have always needed and will always need an emotional outlet. Often, this manifests as rage; a cover for vulnerability and replacement for pain, anger is a frequent filter through which a man expresses his hurt. And why wouldn’t it be? Anger is productive, it is actionable; it is perhaps the only societally-accepted way for men to emote. Vulnerability risks being met with ridicule, but anger demands respect.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the so-called “Male Loneliness Epidemic”, and I’m not here to argue its legitimacy, but I can speak to my clinical experience. Of my caseload, consisting of ~90% men, all of them have cited a deep, impenetrable loneliness as one of their primary reasons for seeking counseling. This longing for community, for acceptance, for a coalition, has been noticed by opportunists; people who would capitalize on that loneliness, and sell its sufferers a solution.

Enter: The Manosphere.

A network of loosely connected online communities, influencers, and content creators that peddle their ideology through the guise of self-improvement, the so-called “Manosphere” is an ever-growing internet subculture, quickly devolving into more dangerous and sinister rabbit-holes.

At its best - it’s a con. Lured in by seemingly positive messages of strength, discipline, and self-empowerment, young and online men are susceptible to developing a narrow and unhealthy view of masculinity - one that ultimately encourages dominance, selfishness, and isolation, rather than introspection and community. Ultimately, these grifters (Andrew Tate and his ilk), have one goal: To sell you solutions. Supplements, workout plans, guides on how to talk to women, manage your money, whatever it may be - they seek to capitalize on the isolation of young men.

At its worst - it’s a danger. Scapegoating is common within these communities, and often leads to the demonization of young women, encouraging community members to hold their female peers responsible for their loneliness. This can easily open up another rabbithole beneath the unsuspecting manosphere participants, introducing them to “incel” culture, a dangerous and femicidal ideology that has unfortunately led to real-world consequences.

And make no mistake - young men experiencing loneliness and going down these pipelines have correctly intuited that something is deeply wrong in their lives. They are disconnected - they may lack male role models, platonic relationships with women, perspective, self-esteem. In a culture that discourages community and emphasizes self-actualization and individuality, they are simply seeking solutions in the wrong places - through no fault of their own.

And our social paradigms are, of course, partially to blame - the young man who has only ever been told to “man up”, or “thug it out” will inevitably collapse when faced with rejection, failure, deep stress or trauma. They have been failed by not being taught the proper frameworks to deal with the very real hardships of daily life. So when a rich, charismatic, “cool guy” influencer tells them that it isn’t their fault, and they can take control of their lives - should we be surprised when they believe them?

The fact is, men don’t need to choose between strength and vulnerability. I would argue that true strength lies in one’s ability to be vulnerable, to open themselves up for genuine self-improvement through honest introspection and connections with others. It takes real courage to confront pain, trauma, and stress - it takes deep honesty to evaluate your position in life, and decide that it’s time to ask for help. I believe that every man can craft his own ideal of masculinity - whatever that looks like for them.

And I can say with confidence that if you’re a man, you’re struggling with loneliness, and you’re looking for answers - you won’t find it in the manosphere. You’ll find it in yourself. In your passions. In therapy. You’ll find it when you open yourself up to being vulnerable, and allow yourself to truly feel.