I’m Really Really Sorry: A Better Way to Meaningfully Apologize

“I’m really really sorry, what more do you want me to say?” Have you ever found yourself saying this? Maybe feeling that you’ve apologized over and over again, and your apology still has not been received. I’m hoping this piece can give you some insight into how to make your apologies more meaningful and, in turn, hopefully well-received. For many, saying a simple “I’m sorry” and moving on is enough; not every conflict, argument, or disagreement requires a wordy, drawn-out apology. However, many of us have been in a situation that required us to convey more understanding, remorse, and promise to change. I believe many of us have also been on the receiving end of an apology that felt it missed the mark.

Let’s use this scenario as an example:

Lily and Jordan are a married couple who have been living together for 3 years. Jordan works as a full-time nurse, while Lily works as a part-time cake designer for a local bakery. Due to this difference in occupation, much of the housework falls on Lily to complete. They have discussed this dynamic and agreed on the split of household responsibilities when they first moved in. But as Jordan’s schedule has gotten busier, Lily has taken on some of the responsibilities that were originally Jordan’s. One day, Lily gets home from work on one of Jordan’s off days and sees that the closet organizing project Lily asked her to do is not completed. Lily has communicated to Jordan that she struggles to relax if there is still housework to be done at the end of the night. At dinner, Jordan can tell something is wrong. When asked about it, Lily gets frustrated, raises her voice, and begins angrily explaining how she does most of the housework, and Jordan should be able to complete this one task without a reminder. Jordan gets a bit defensive, and the conflict continues for a while. In the end, Jordan says a dry “I’m sorry,” while Lily feels shut down and doesn’t want to apologize for her part of the conflict. They end the night not talking, not connected, and both unhappy with how they handled the conversation.

Let’s see how a more meaningful apology could change the outcome of the night for Lily and Jordan.

Start with a simple “I’m sorry” or “I apologize,” but don’t stop there. Take this opportunity to convey what you are sorry for. Communicating an understanding of what we’ve done wrong can create a sense of awareness and thoughtfulness. In this example, Jordan could say, “Hey, Lily, I’m sorry for not taking care of organizing the closet like I said I would.” Lily could say, “I apologize for using a rude tone towards you; you don’t deserve that treatment from me.” Now, many of us tend to throw in an excuse here, “but I just had a really long day,” or “I was focusing on other things, I can’t take care of everything at once,” or “but I am frustrated, so my tone is justified.” Try to refrain from the excuses, instead focusing on the impact your actions had on the other person.

Now that your focus is on that impact, convey an understanding of this impact. In the scenario above, Jordan could add: “I know it’s hard for you to relax when things are messy.” This shows that Jordan cares about and understands how Lily is feeling, whether or not Jordan herself shares those same feelings. Lily could add: “I know it makes you feel really disconnected when I direct my anger towards you.” Both partners in this scenario have expressed an understanding of how the other one feels, which fosters empathy and connection in the conflict resolution. When an apology is a simple “I’m sorry,” we can sometimes feel things are incomplete, and even while we’ve said I’m sorry, there still seems to be distance between the other person. This extra step in the apology can help to bridge that gap, minimizing the recovery time, and bringing you closer after an argument.

Lastly, show your intentions to do better in the future. An apology is only as good as the action following it. If you keep doing the same thing over and over again, apologizing each time, your apology will become empty, a boy-who-cried-wolf situation. In this scenario, Jordan could conclude her apology with, “In the future, I will try to get things done before you get home,” while Lily could add, “I will try to take some time to ground myself before discussing tense topics in the future.” We may not have an easy action step like this, so if you need to, just ask your partner/friend/loved one what they need from you. “Hey, what could I do in the future to keep this from happening again?” Before asking this question, do some reflective work to see if the action step is obvious or something you can figure out on your own. Taking the initiative to figure out what change needs to be made shows the other person that you care enough to invest time and energy into fixing things and changing your behavior for the better.

If Jordan and Lily had followed these steps, this is how their conflict resolution could’ve gone:

Jordan: “Hey Lily, I’m sorry for not taking care of organizing the closet like I said I would. I know it’s hard for you to relax when things are messy. In the future, I will try to get things done before you get home.”

Lily: “I appreciate that, I apologize too for using. A rude tone towards you; you don’t deserve that treatment from me. I know it makes you feel really disconnected when I direct my anger towards you. I will try to take some time to ground myself before discussing tense topics in the future.”

Bada bing, bada boom! Simple, effective, meaningful conflict resolution in action.

It’s important to note that the kind of apologies that work best for you will be individual to your relationship. Some people love a simple “I’m sorry,” hug, and move on. Others will be left feeling a lack of care, thoughtfulness, or attention. Have a conversation with the people in your life to explore what kind of apology means the most to them and how you can go about resolving conflicts with them in a way that feels meaningful and effective.