Reflective Listening: A Better Way to Validate

If you’ve ever found yourself repeating incessantly, “I’m so sorry, that’s really hard,” or “I hear you, that sounds frustrating,” reflective listening may be for you. When we want to be a source of emotional support for those around us, validation is vital. Sometimes it can be hard to know how to validate in a way that really shows we understand how the other person is feeling. Statements such as “That sounds really hard,” “I’m sorry you’re going through that,” and “I’m here for you” are all helpful, yet sometimes they seem to miss the mark or not say enough to really comfort.

Enter: Reflective listening. Reflective listening is a communication skill that involves listening closely to the person, seeking to understand the content of what they are saying as well as their accompanying emotions, and conveying this understanding through a response that paraphrases or sums up how the other person feels. It is as simple as it sounds: listening + reflection. For example:

Jill: “Ugh, work has been terrible. My boss keeps making these passive-aggressive comments towards me in such a condescending tone. I try to be a good team player, but I know for a fact I work a lot harder than half of the people here, and no one even notices that.”

Jack, using reflective listening: “It makes sense that if you don’t feel your efforts are acknowledged or appreciated, that you wouldn’t want to continue to go above and beyond, especially when your boss is not being respectful towards you. It definitely sounds like an exhausting and frustrating situation.”

You may read that and think to yourself, “That sounds great, but I have no idea how to do that.” So let’s break it down into two simple steps.

1. Summarize what was explained to you. Jill talked about her manager’s tone, so reflect on that and acknowledge the disrespect she’s hinting at. Jill talked about feeling like no one notices her work, so communicate that information back to her. When you can paraphrase what someone else expressed, it shows you are truly listening and care about how they are perceiving the situation.

2. Reflect on the emotions conveyed, even if they are not named. This might require that you put yourself in the other’s shoes. How would you feel if no one noticed your hard work? I would probably feel unappreciated. How would you feel if you were stuck in that pattern at work? I would probably feel pretty exhausted or frustrated. There you go, emotions identified. When you include emotion words in your responses, even if they were not explicitly labeled by the other person, it can help communicate that you understand how they feel.

Those are pretty simple steps; don’t complicate it. Here are a couple of additional reminders as you practice putting this in place:

• Your tone can make or break it. Conveying your understanding in an annoyed or belittling tone will not make the person feel comforted or validated, and it will definitely not help them feel understood. Approaching your reflection with a kind and soft tone can go a long way.

• While we sometimes want to problem-solve for the person venting to us, it can be poorly received if what they need is someone to just listen. If you’re someone who tends to give unsolicited advice and find that it’s not being well-received, try switching it out for reflective listening. And if you’re unsure whether they need a listening ear or advice, just ask! “Do you want advice or validation?” This can help you bypass the frustration of feeling like no one listens to your advice, and bypass the other’s frustration of feeling like you’re trying to tell them what to do.

• Get comfortable with being tentative. Sometimes our own understanding might vary from theirs, which means our reflection won’t always hit the nail on the head. If you want to leave room for them to correct you, you can add “If I’m understanding correctly…” or “I’m hearing that you’re feeling…” or “It sounds like…” Giving space for the other person to correct you may also convey that they are in an environment of safety and respect.

• Reflective listening is not only useful when discussing negative or difficult situations. You can utilize reflective listening in any conversation. If used in a positive moment, that understanding and communication can amplify the joy of what the other person is feeling. It can help others feel that you are really present with them in that moment and sharing in their experience.

There you have it, that’s reflective listening. It is a pretty simple skill that will come with ease the more you practice it. You don’t need to throw out your go-to responses of “I hear you,” “I’m sorry you’re going through that,” and “I’m here for you.” Those responses still have their place and can be very helpful. Try adding reflective listening to help those around you feel truly seen, understood, and supported.